"It’s okay. Okay." I said again and again to myself.
Lately, I felt like need something quiet, something that can calm myself down. No. Not drugs or anything bad. Just peace, serenity.
I felt so damn upset. Something wrong with myself. And unfortunately I know why.
Thousand same questions are floating up in my mind.
Do I need a change? Why do I need a change? Why did I change?
I don’t want to make your head explode like mine because of this story. So, let me tell you.
I used to be a very good girl. (My best friends said so.) I feel empathy so damn easy. I couldn’t get angry easily. But if I was, I could hide it from everyone. I never talked about others’ badness. (Well, I loved to talk about things, discuss about ideas.) I never said bad words. Never. It was like, why should I say something bad if I could say the good one? It was a very absolute, unconditional conviction that I lead.
But time has another surprise for me. It takes me to a place where I can learn, socialize, and having fun at the same time: college. There, I met new friends with different culture, ethnic, language. My lecturer said that students who studied here, in this college, were the “selected” one. I was not sure about that. How could be people who always said “Anj*ng! B*go! G*bl*k! T*i!” were the “selected”? What kind of selection that passed them?
Pardon my narrow minds. Of course it’s just academic test.
But, really. I hate to hear that bad words. My ears didn’t want to.
But as the time takes me again, it’s a very usual thing to hear those words. I try to look for the reason why they said those. But I failed. And do you know what’s bad now? I started to say what I didn’t even want to hear. Hypocrite me.
Now I know why. Maybe they’re just trying to express their feelings. They’re just don’t know what’s the exact word they should use. Or maybe they’re just feeling fun to say that. And I think it’s exactly why I did it too.
I think, it is okay to express your feeling whatever kind of expression it is.
Please don’t ask me a question like, "Is it okay to express a feeling with some bad words?" Don’t ask me now.
And, oh! One of my friends named Alfita always warn me if I accidentally said words like “Anjir!”. I’m not sure, she was lying or not. But she told me that a face like me shouldn’t said bad words.
What kind of face? Am I look innocent? Yea, I wish I am. Now forget about the face, and I thank her for it. Thank you. J
Now I’m ready to answer the question!
It’s not okay to express a feeling with some bad words. I have a very absolute, unconditional conviction that I lead: why should I say something bad if I could say the good one?